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A Goodbye

A few weeks ago I had one of the most beautiful painful conversations of my life. It went like this: In a soft clear voice she said “You’re the only person I’m calling before I go into palliative care. I wanted to talk to you because I love you and because we had such a special relationship.”

It took me a while to process her words. “You’re saying, ‘Goodbye?’”

“Yes,” she said firmly. “I wanted to do it privately.”

We thanked each other for loving and supporting each other for the last 26 years. I couldn’t hold back tears as I thanked her again for taking such wonderful care of me when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, when I lost my baby, went through divorce and so much more. Besides major life events we shared a passion for emotional exploration, dissecting our vulnerabilities to strengthen our hearts and minds. After all, we did meet as university returnees studying psychology.

It felt surreal reminiscing the past when the future was merely days away. But I was fully present and awake in this most precious moment. I felt profound honour to be able to have this moment with her knowing it was going to be our last without the drug induced fog from her meds. I didn’t want time to pass, or anything to change but, she grew tired, it was time.

I cried for days but deep inside there was joy. I thanked her silently again.

My father died before I had a chance to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him. Words he never heard enough. How I wish I could go back.

I see people struggle to express what’s in their heart, to their spouse, children, siblings friends… It feels risky, someone may get hurt. But I know from experience, holding on to stuff hurts you! And it blocks the possibility of a more meaningful satisfying relationship.

Think about it.

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